I’ve only got about 4 weeks until I’m finished my chemo and it can’t come any quicker! Sleeping has been a nightmare this last week. Average about 2-3 hours per night. I’ve been very depressed and having a lot of anxiety. My gf has been away on holiday which has been so hard for me. She has been there through everything and made it so easy for me. Going from all that care and support to her being gone hit me hard. Even though she’s away she’s been so good on the phone for support and I can’t thank her enough.
I’ve been doing bits and bobs of work, clients here and there which have helped so much to take my mind off it all. It’s when I’m alone with my thoughts that I begin to create worst case scenarios. My main worries now are back to thinking I’m going to need more chemo after this last cycle. There is a small risk of the lympnodes still being enlarged which could result in more chemo, a large operation and radiotherapy. I know this is a small risk and they don’t plan on it but I won’t know until I have another scan after this last cycle. Feel like I’m constantly living in fear of the worst. Although I still have had no physical side effects, I feel that I couldn’t take more bad news mentally. I just want this all to be over and get on with my iLife as it was planned. I guess time will only tell and I’ll have to deal with what they tell me.
Finally paid the deposit on the flat with my mate today so that’s another thing to look forward to. Once I’m moved in and better it will be a whole new start to a better life.
Think I saved a life the other day too. The girl with the same treatment as me came in to hospital to terminate her treatment as she is really feeling the fatigue and symptoms. After 3-4 hours of talking her round she decided to go for it and we’re going to smash it together. So proud of her for making the right decision. She said if it wasn’t for me she’d be out the door. This definitely made me feel good about myself. I feel by helping her, it’s helping me cope as well. She’s not the only one who needs support through this.
Been seeing friends a lot this week which makes me feel completely back to normal so more of this is in order. Keeping busy and occupied is key.
Can’t wait for my gf to come back Saturday!! But then she goes away again Monday for 2 weeks 🙁
Keep following and reading. Can’t wait to feel happy again!